Wired
by Beregond5
Summary: Post Season 2. When it comes to Torchwood, even Christmas can turn out to be chaotic. Slash, Jack/Ianto. Beware of the crack.


Christmas eve in Cardiff was as picturesque as a postcard. Red, blue, gold and green lights blinked like beacons in a sea of black and white, for the snow had covered the streets and rooftops, making a sharp contrast against the dark night sky. The people had retired to the warmth of their houses, where there was bound to be a fully decorated Christmas tree waiting for them. Even the sound of singing echoed faintly through the air, signifying the joyous winter event.

'_Tis the season to be jolly, lalalalala lalalala…_

_And to hunt Weevils,_ Jack thought wryly, still running after the stray alien across the mall. The place was deserted at this time of night, thankfully. No one was interested in circulating outside in the freezing weather and, frankly, Jack didn't much care for it either. He wanted to be over and done with this emergency, so he could return to the coziness of the Hub. A certain pair of arms could then put some warmth back into his body.

"Jack, turn left!" Ianto's voice sounded through the communication frequencies in that very moment, cutting into the former time-agent's train of thought.

"I love it when you get all bossy on me, Ianto Jones," Jack replied with a grin, turning left.

"I do my best," Ianto answered. "Does that mean dinner is still on?"

"You bet," Jack said. "Got anything in mind?"

"I could cook us something if you're patient enough."

"I'm sure I'll manage if there's an appetizer first."

"There might not be any room left for dessert," Ianto pointed out, and Jack was sure that the young Welshman was smirking slightly.

"You know me; there's always room for some dessert."

"You're practically insatiable."

"I'll take that as a compliment," Jack answered. "How far are you?"

"Running along the street and towards you as we speak."

"Then get the syringe ready!" With that, Jack lunged at the Weevil, tackling it forcefully on the ground. The Weevil would have none of that, however, and it sprang back on its feet in the blink of an eye, growling ferociously. Jack meant to do the same, anti-Weevil spray still in hand but, before he had the chance to react, the alien grabbed him by the shoulders and practically tossed him aside like a ragdoll. Jack winced in pain as he landed quite unceremoniously on a vending machine – those things were _hard _– yet it didn't let that stop him. Mustering all of his strength, he punched the Weevil on the jaw.

Bad idea. Jack all but broke his fingers and the Weevil only got angrier, if its roar were any indication. Gritting his teeth, Jack tried again, this time kicking it right between its legs. Though _that_ had a better effect, it still wasn't enough; the Weevil was stunned for only a moment before lunging again for the kill. The vending machine shook as the Weevil rammed the former time-agent against it, and Jack couldn't help but cry out. Those things were _really _hard.

But, as it always seemed to be the case in such dire situations, help arrived in the form of Ianto and the syringe that the young Welshman embedded in the Weevil's neck. The alien jumped back, snarling at the attack, but it was too late. The drug worked swiftly, already numbing the Weevil and placing it into a welcome – for the two men – state of drowsiness. In a few minutes, the Weevil was on the ground, its beady eyes closed and its jaws wide-open as it snored quite loudly.

Jack rubbed his abused side, first looking at the sleeping Weevil and then at Ianto.

"So… what took you so long?"

"I wanted to make a dramatic appearance," Ianto deadpanned, panting softly.

Jack's lips formed a small 'oh' in understanding. "You need to work on it a bit."

"And I suppose you'll teach me?" Ianto asked, raising an eyebrow in an amused manner.

"Who can teach you better than the master himself?" Jack asked with a grin. "But first, let's take care of our little company." With that, he nodded meaningfully in the sleeping Weevil's direction.

Ianto nodded. "I'll get the SUV."

"Okay; I'll make sure this one behaves in the meantime," Jack said, leaning against the wall.

"Be back in a jiffy," Ianto replied, and he turned on his heel, heading towards the car.

Jack sighed slightly and put his hands in his pockets, eyes taking in his surroundings. The white cloak of snow had been marred because of the footsteps and the scuffle, but there was nothing for it. Besides, Jack was sure that it would snow again soon, and then the snow would look perfectly untouched once more; the ideal cover-up. It was more than could be said about the vending machine, really. Some people would be quite baffled with its state tomorrow.

Speaking of which… Jack examined it further, and he was quite surprised to see that there was a can of cola in the slot. Fell down as the Weevil threw him onto the machine, no doubt.

_Well, no reason it should go to waste._ Shrugging, he picked up the can, opened it in one swift motion and then, after a brief, silent 'cheers' in the Weevil's direction, he took his first big sip of the sugary liquid.

* * *

_Several hours later…_

Rhys had asked, begged and even groveled at Gwen's feet so she wouldn't go to the Hub. It was Christmas, after all, and they could stay in bed all day long without any worries in the world. Somehow, somewhere, the aliens would surely respect such a little thing called vacation, right? The Rift could stay quiet, just this once.

Gwen, however, wouldn't be talked out of it. With only three active Torchwood members, it was too risky to leave everything to chance. If there was a crisis, she should be there and on the ready. And, if things did indeed stay quiet, she was willing to make amends once she got back home. Say, go to that club that Rhys had meant to check out in the last month?

It was a tough bargain, but it worked. So, Gwen headed to the Hub, hoping that Jack and Ianto didn't decide to celebrate Christmas in some kinky way that would have her go red with embarrassment if she caught them in the act – quite literally – and placed her car in the usual parking spot before stepping onto the lift.

In the good news, the Hub turned out to be very quiet that particular morning. In fact, Gwen couldn't even hear Myfanwy screeching, which was a curious thing. What really made things strange, though, was to see Ianto at his workstation with his shoulders slumped forward and a large ice-pack on his head. He didn't even seem to have taken notice of Gwen (he had his back turned to her), seeming the very epitome of exhaustion.

"Ianto?" she asked cautiously, unsure what to make of things.

He tensed, then instantly turned to look back at her, blue-grey eyes wide with something akin to apprehension. Gwen's own eyes widened as well as soon as she saw the huge bump on Ianto's forehead, practically resembling a baby unicorn's head on its first step to maturity.

"Good God! What happened?" she exclaimed before she could help it.

"Are you alone?" Ianto asked in turn.

"Yes, of course I'm alone," she said, walking up to him to examine the bump. "What happened?"

Ianto sighed, resting his back on the chair in a weary manner. "Jack happened."

"Meaning?"

"Long story, I'm afraid."

"I'm not going anywhere for the time being."

Ianto let out another sigh. "Well, I suppose it all started while we were driving back home after catching this Weevil the Rift dragged in. He seemed to be his usual, flirting-my-way-into-another's-pants self; but then things started taking a very odd turn…"

* * *

"_My place or yours?"_

_Ianto cocked his head. "Pardon?"_

"_You said you meant to cook something," Jack explained. "Because you should know that, if it's something complicated, I don't have any casserole dishes. Or a decent oven, come to think of it. Why don't we have an oven?"_

"_Um… Because we order take out?" Ianto ventured, blinking. That was an odd question, to say the least… as well as the speed that it was bombarded with._

"_Oh, yeah."_

_There was silence for several moment, and Ianto decided to stare out the window, at the snow-filled sidewalks._

"_We could install one."_

_Ianto faced Jack once more. "Excuse me?'_

"_We could install an oven. Then you could cook anything you wanted," Jack said._

"_I'm… fine without one, thank you."_

"_You sure?"_

"_Yup."_

"_I mean, it's okay if you want one. I don't mind."_

"_I don't mind not having one," Ianto said patiently._

"_Not even for some French toast?"_

"_Jack, I don't want an oven."_

"_But if you want to cook…"_

"… _We can always go over to my place," Ianto interrupted._

"_Oh."_

_There was silence again._

"_So we're going to your place," Jack finally said._

"_Apparently," Ianto replied with a shrug._

"_Okay."_

_Silence followed once more, but the spell was broken as Jack started drumming his fingers on the steering wheel. It was a gentle noise, truth be told; but, after ten minutes of drumming, Ianto had enough._

"_Is there a problem?" he asked, looking intently at Jack._

"_No, I don't think so," Jack answered, seeming surprised at the question._

"_Then, please, don't do that."_

"_Oh. Sorry."_

_Ianto nodded, accepting the apology._

"_We could go to a club afterwards."_

_Ianto raised an eyebrow. "Define afterwards."_

"_You know… After we lock up the Weevil, have dinner over at your place and our usual fun along with it?"_

"_By then, the clubs will have closed for the night," Ianto reasoned. "In fact," and with that, he checked his watch, "Some of them have already closed for the night." _

"_Seriously? Is it that late?" Jack wondered aloud._

"_Yup."_

"_Huh… I don't feel tired at all."_

"_You never do," Ianto reminded him, although there was something very odd about Jack presently. If the young Welshman didn't know any better, he'd say Jack was… restless, for lack of a better word._

"_Maybe, but I want to do things."_

_Ianto's suspicions that something was very wrong became more numerous by the minute. "What kind of things?" he asked cautiously._

"_I don't know. Just… things," Jack said. "My hands and feet are itching for something to do."_

"_Well, we're at the Hub now. How about you lock up that Weevil first?"_

"_Sir, yes, sir!" Jack replied briskly, parking the car even as he saluted. With that, he practically sprang out of the car, and then opened the trunk to get out the still unconscious Weevil._

"_Come on, boy. Upsy daisy," he declared, placing the Weevil over his shoulder._

"_Jack, I could help with that…" Ianto started._

"_Nothing I can't handle!" Jack declared with a big grin on his face, and he carried the Weevil inside as if the alien weighed__ nothing._

"_I'll just… wait by the car then," Ianto said to no one in particular, since the main addressee had disappeared within seconds to see to his own task. A task that Ianto knew was bound to take about twenty minutes at least – he had his trusty stopwatch to confirm it, after all. So he was more than just stunned to see Jack coming back in less than ten minutes, a bounce in his step and grinning like silly._

"_Done!" he declared happily._

_Ianto stared at the former time-agent. "How did you…?"_

"_Oh, I jogged most of the way. Pretty refreshing, too; maybe I should do it more often," Jack said, springing back to the driver's seat. "Come on, let's go!" he added, beckoning Ianto to get in – and fast._

* * *

"Someone was in a hurry," Gwen commented.

"Very," Ianto said wryly, putting some more ice on the pack before placing it back on his head.

"But how did you get the bump?"

"Oh, I'm getting there."

* * *

_The trip to Ianto's home had been as interesting as the trip to the Hub, and Ianto's only hope was that Jack would calm down once they were inside.__ So, as soon as the SUV stopped outside his house, the young Welshman stepped out of the vehicle and stretched a hand in Jack's direction._

"_Okay, Jack, time to go in."_

"_Sure thing, Ianto. Think fast!"_

_It took all of Ianto's speed to catch the car-keys as Jack threw them at him, but the 'test' was far from over. In the next moment, Jack had grabbed his hands and swirled him around, bringing him to the former time-agent's welcoming embrace._

"_Jack?"_

"_Dance with me."_

_Ianto swallowed hard. "Jack, I don't think this is the right time."_

"_What, are you kidding? It's perfect!" Jack declared. "Snow under our feet, stars over our heads and, more importantly, we kept Cardiff safe once again!"_

"_But, Jack, I don't know how…!"_

_Too late; Jack had swirled him around with practiced ease, and all Ianto could do was cry out in surprise, moving at the rhythm the former time-agent was dancing to in his mind._

"_Jack!"_

_Ianto never got his answer, because it was in that moment that he saw more stars – the painful kind._

* * *

Gwen winced. "What did you hit?"

"The only existing tree in the yard," Ianto replied, fingers probing his bump. "You can see the results for yourself."

"Well, I'm sure he didn't mean it," the woman said lamely. Yes, Jack could be dangerous company, but she never thought that he'd be dangerous _that_ way.

"He didn't," Ianto replied. "In fact, he was so sorry that he kept apologizing all the way to the doorstep and promising he'd make it up to me."

"Did he?"

"Oh yeah."

* * *

"_Jack, I just want us to make that dinner and forget about the whole thing," Ianto said, a slight tremour in his voice. He had just enough time to close the door behind him before Jack pinned him against the wall, his hands working expertly as they caressed the younger man over the fabric of the suit._

"_I hurt you," cam__e Jack's answer in a murmur as lips brushed the curve of Ianto's neck._

"_I forgive you…" Ianto wasn't sure they should do this, not when Jack was behaving so strangely. But it was also a mental struggle that he was losing swiftly. And when he finally registered that the only thing covering his nakedness any more was his zebra-striped pants – wow, Jack was _fast_ – he just stopped arguing…_

* * *

"Hold it, hold it," Gwen exclaimed, lifting her hands in a sign of 'time-out'. "Zebra-striped?"

Oops… now that was something Ianto hadn't meant to add in his little narrative. "Well… yes."

Gwen sat up. "Now _this_ I have to hear."

Ianto rolled his eyes. "It was a gift. Jack's little joke that I should get in touch with my wild side. I laughed, he laughed… and why do I have to explain myself to you anyway?"

"Because it's fun to see you all flustered and stumbling on your words?" Gwen answered with a grin.

"Ianto groaned. "Right. _Anyway…_ let's just say that he apologized and I forgave him a lot more times afterwards."

"That doesn't explain why you're here, though," Gwen noted, sobering a bit. Apart from those pretty bad instances, it sounded like they had a fun night.

"He… wanted to keep apologizing," Ianto said tactfully.

"You mean…?" Gwen stopped, however, for realization caught up with her. "Oh."

Ianto nodded with a sigh.

"So how many times did he…?"

"Gwen!"

"Sorry, just curious," the woman said, appeasing him with a small smile. "So… how did you escape?"

"I said I would go and make some coffee," Ianto said embarrassedly. " Except I also grabbed my phone, so I could supposedly get a text message from Rhys saying you were down with some sort of alien infection and that I ought to come by and see you."

"And Jack believed it?"

"Don't know; I hurried out fully dressed before giving him the chance to think about it," Ianto said with a shrug.

"Does that mean Jack's still in your house?" Gwen asked.

"He should be; I locked him in."

"Ianto… you _do _realize that you have left your house exposed to a potentially destructive hyper time-agent?" Gwen said.

Ianto nodded.

"Oh dear."

"And then some," the young Welshman agreed, standing up. "So… coffee?"

"I'll help you," Gwen offered, and their discussion drifted on other matters. Ianto's headache was bad enough.

* * *

What Ianto hadn't told Gwen was that he _did_ discover the cause of Jack's twitchiness; for when he had taken the SUV to drive to the Hub, he had also found the empty can of cola inside the glove compartment, serving as quite the indisputable evidence. And, of course, Ianto was aware that there was only one remedy in situations like these, and that was to wait till the excess sugar and caffeine had eventually left Jack's system. Ianto wasn't sure how long that was going take, but he had decided that he shouldn't take any chances. That was why he had decided to stay in the Hub for most of the day, and only left well after the sun had gone down.

Ianto slowly took those few important steps leading him to the doorstep of his home, and then unlocked the door. He braced himself mentally for the worst and, after counting up to three, he took the deep plunge and stepped inside.

The house was… spotlessly clean. Ianto blinked a couple of times to make sure that his eyes weren't playing tricks on him, but there was no denying it. The carpet was indeed vacuumed, the pillows were fluffed up, the furniture without the slightest speck of dust on them, and there were even clothes getting washed and dishes that had been dried and then placed back in the cupboard.

Though it was a certainty that only Jack could have been behind this, Ianto still scarcely believed it. He had never thought that the former time-agent had it in him to do chores...

Speaking of which, where was Jack himself? Deciding to investigate matters further, Ianto went to the one place that he hadn't checked thus far: the bedroom.

There was no need for an alarm. Ianto caught sight of the familiar form underneath the bed covers, snoring softly. Apparently, the cola effect had indeed worn off, but it left Jack quite tired and drained in the process. So now there was the former time-agent, curled in comfortable slumber and only a small patch of hair visible from where Ianto was standing. It made a rather cute image, really.

Well, Ianto supposed there was no harm in joining Jack; he was feeling exhausted himself. So he removed his suit in a few swift motions, and then slid carefully underneath the covers to snuggle against the other man.

Jack stirred and cracked his eyes open, smiling gently. "Hey. Took you a while."

"I know, I'm sorry," Ianto said honestly enough. "Still, I see you found a way to keep yourself busy."

"Yeah," Jack murmured. "Although…" With that, he wrapped his arms around Ianto, "I'd rather I kept myself busy with you next time."

"And miss the chance for a good spring cleaning?" Ianto declared with a gentle grin.

"Watch it, Ianto Jones," Jack answered, but his warning tone was lost as his words were accompanied with a wide yawn.

"Go to sleep," Ianto said gently, caressing the other man's hair.

Jack nodded his acknowledgement and he closed his eyes. "Sorry about last night."

"Well… if you're interested, we can try again tomorrow night," Ianto said.

Jack chuckled softly. "I don't think either of us will be recovered by then."

"I'm sure we'll manage," Ianto said with a smirk, closing his eyes as well.

He _did _have two cans of cola in his fridge, after all…

**THE END**

_A/n: Challenge fic. The prompt was: Ianto getting some kind of headache, someone mentioning getting a strange alien infection, the effects of cola on Jack (he doesn't sleep much already, so he should be hyper), someone mentioning casserole dish and zebra-striped pants (not in the same sentence)_

_Special thanks go to Junodog and GeminiWillow for their thoughts and corrections._


End file.
